Her Words Return

I have few friends
Among my few friends Miss Jôgasaki
Liked bright, easy to understand
Flowers like gerberas
She had no dark side
I am not Mino Monta* but
No matter how old she got
I wanted to call her ‘young lady’
Once   in our workplace many of us   played a game of depth psychology
         fortune-telling
Each item had a picture and a question   and you had to write a simple
         comment and answer
Later the meanings of the pictures were revealed
For example, the number of flowers indicated the number of future
        children one might have
It was just a stupid game but   all of a sudden everyone got excited
Normally she stood apart from others   and was a quiet, still person but
Unexpectedly she joined in the game

And
One of the items
Had the words
‘I want to do it’ attached
This was hidden from the group but
It was actually an item measuring one’s sex drive
When this was revealed
Miss Jôgasaki cast her eyes down   completely lost her presence of mind
        and grew horribly embarrassed
We felt as if we had committed a terrible sin

Miss Jôgasaki   died soon after from uterine cancer
I suppose she was a few years over forty
She remained single   and never suffered in her life so
She always looked no more than twenty-five

Sometimes
Her words come to me
In a casual way as if someone had forgotten a delivery
Again and again as if her words were not quite there
From the other world
They lightly arrive   ah, they’ve come, then, when I am quiet
Like potato starch dissolving in water
The grief slowly settles at the bottom
I know that the surface of this world grows more and more transparent
I too   with my eyes downcast
Fervently
Wait
For something to pass through me

言葉がまだ

言葉がまだ

言葉の少ないわたくしの
少ない友達のなかの城ヶ崎さん
ガーベラのような
わかりやすい明るい花が好きだった
本人も影がなく
みのもんたさんではないけれど
どんなに年をとっていても
おじょうさん、と呼びたくなるようなひとなのだ
あるとき　仕事場で数人で　深層心理うらないの遊びをした
項目ごとの絵と質問をみながら　簡単なコメントや答えを書いていく
あとでその絵の意味があかされる
たとえば花の数が将来の子供の数を暗示しているとか
ばかばかしい遊びに過ぎないが　意外にもりあがって騒いでいると
いつもは人の環の外側にいて　ひっそりと静かな城ヶ崎さんが
思いがけずこの遊びに加わって

そして
ひとつの項目に
「したいナ」
という言葉を寄せた
回答者にはふせられていたが　それは
性的な欲望度をはかる項目だった
それがあかされたとき
城ヶ崎さんは目をふせて　ひどくうろたえ　恥ずかしがった
私たちはひどい罪をおかしたような気持ちになった

城ヶ崎さんは　それからまもなく子宮がんで死んだ
まだ四十をいくつか越えたくらいだったろうか
ずっと独身で　苦労を知らないおじょうさんなので
いつまでも二十五歳くらいにしか見えなかったのだ

ときどき
あの言葉がわたしに届く
誰かが配達し忘れていたというようにさりげなく
まだ届かないというように何度でも
むこうがわから
ふわっと来て　あ、来たな、と、じっとしていると
やがて水で梳いた片栗粉のように
悲しみが底のほうに静かにたまり
この世の上澄みが澄んでくるのがわかる
私もまた　目をふせて
何者かの通過に
はげしく
たえる