THE SEAL CATCHER

I am a no-body
I am a no-good layabout
I have had plenty of I-don’t-want-to-be’s in life
I never wanted to own Ford Motors
I never wanted to be a vine farmer
Nor golfer Arnold Palmer
Nor Warren Beatty
I only wanted to be one thing, just one thing
I wanted to become a seal catcher
So . . . 
I set about catching seals
Where are the seals
Where are their habitats
Their whereabouts
Their when’s and how’s
Now . . .
Seals are playing for
Liverpool and Manchester United
I’ve been told
Is that so
I will go catch them
They’re not there any longer
I’ve been told
They’ve gone off with Alan Shearer’s legs.
Seals must now be feeding on Brazilian coffee plantations
Now . . . they’ve disappeared
They’ve headed for the Mediterranean
There . . . 
They are feasting on Caribbean caviar
They are not there
They are at Hotel California
Dancing to “Hotel California”
See? They are not really there
Tough luck!
The news says
They are now playing baseball
Again I’ve been misinformed
They’re actually on a luxury vacation
They’ve been sightseeing at the Niagara
When I arrive
They’re gone  
Gone gold shopping
In London and Zurich
This time again
I am wrong
Now they are flirting with Madonna
Tough luck!
They are playing chess with Kasparov
Tough luck!
They, they are pinnipeds
After all, they are seals
So I’ve worn myself out stalking after seals
With a backpack full of tiredness, I’ve come back by train
Look . . . finally
There they are
The shaggy heads
There they are
At Leway, Pyinmana
Pyaw Bwe and Kyan Ghin
Puck . . . puck . . . puck . . . puck . . . 
Zuck . . . zuck . . . zuck . . . zuck . . .
Just like ducks waddling in shit
They can toss a ball
With their pointed nose
Goodness . . . Blimey!
Just that.
I was just trying to tell you
What a great seal catcher I am.

The Seal Catcher

The Seal Catcher